merlin, fanfic and the adhd hellscape
Apr. 22nd, 2026 03:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tinyforestspiriti finished elementary a week back and... i'm not revoking anything i said in my post. it just wasn't for me. overall i was a little disappointed to be totally honest. i dove into the tumblr tag (as i do upon finishing any media ever) and it seems to be widely beloved. i think it missed me quite spectacularly. ah, well.
i planned to re-watch merlin as soon as i had finished watching elementary, and now i'm there it's like a breath of fresh air. funnily enough, as much as i always adored it, i never sat down to watch merlin all the way through. i watched the odd episode here and there and i watched either series 3 or 4 as it aired. i avoided series 5 like the plague as i just knew what was going to happen. but now it's time to finally brave it!
and oh how i missed it. i forgot how much i loved these wonderful idiots. i don't know if it's because i've come straight off elementary, but it's really hit me just how much personality these characters have. i love all of them. especially merlin himself. my lord, he fits very snugly into my favourite type of character. he's a little ray of sunshine. i love him so so much. colin morgan too.
right now i am on series 2 episode 13. i've been watching as i draw or spin and it's been a jolly old time.
of course, with a new hyper fixation comes with the urge to write fanfic. i've always been a prolific whump / hurt/comfort writer. it's all i write to be completely honest. it's all i particularly enjoy writing. if i'm not writing whump i'm leading up to it. it's incredibly cathartic for me, as i'm sure it is for a lot of people. i've always thought it would be interesting to give my fic to a therapist and see what they can deduce about me from it, but it would feel like exposing a vulnerable piece of my soul. there's a reason why i never share my fic with people in my real life. i have at least 5 new fic ideas buzzing around the brain, all for merlin, all incredibly whumpy.
so then you would think i would be able to sit and write it.
this is my biggest struggle with adhd, even with medication. doing things. it is easier than it was before, but i still struggle. it's executive dysfunction, i think, combined with task switching (idk if this is more of an autism thing? have both makes it extremely difficult to untangle traits) i will sit with the document open, lost in my own thoughts for ages before i can actually start. once i do i'm usually on a roll. i wrote somewhere in the area of 2k words this morning, but it was exhausting. i love writing and it frustrates me that i can't just do it.
i feel rusty, too. my writing feels creaky. i feel like i've written so much better before and i can't get up to that level again.
on friday i'll be attending a lesson on adult adhd at the recovery college. i've done group things before, i did an online thing under the nhs not long after i was diagnosed. it was helpful just to learn about adhd, fill in blanks and answer a lot of questions i had about myself. it was only a couple of years ago and i've forgotten everything we covered. i'm hoping friday will be insightful.
i think what i really need is an adhd coach. i need to learn how to make my brain work for me... but i have no idea how much that would cost. i have savings, but as someone who can't work it's difficult for me to dip into them. these things are usually eye-wateringly expensive. perhaps this is something i can ask about at the session on friday.
i'm going to see if i can squeeze out a couple hundred more words.
i planned to re-watch merlin as soon as i had finished watching elementary, and now i'm there it's like a breath of fresh air. funnily enough, as much as i always adored it, i never sat down to watch merlin all the way through. i watched the odd episode here and there and i watched either series 3 or 4 as it aired. i avoided series 5 like the plague as i just knew what was going to happen. but now it's time to finally brave it!
and oh how i missed it. i forgot how much i loved these wonderful idiots. i don't know if it's because i've come straight off elementary, but it's really hit me just how much personality these characters have. i love all of them. especially merlin himself. my lord, he fits very snugly into my favourite type of character. he's a little ray of sunshine. i love him so so much. colin morgan too.
right now i am on series 2 episode 13. i've been watching as i draw or spin and it's been a jolly old time.
of course, with a new hyper fixation comes with the urge to write fanfic. i've always been a prolific whump / hurt/comfort writer. it's all i write to be completely honest. it's all i particularly enjoy writing. if i'm not writing whump i'm leading up to it. it's incredibly cathartic for me, as i'm sure it is for a lot of people. i've always thought it would be interesting to give my fic to a therapist and see what they can deduce about me from it, but it would feel like exposing a vulnerable piece of my soul. there's a reason why i never share my fic with people in my real life. i have at least 5 new fic ideas buzzing around the brain, all for merlin, all incredibly whumpy.
so then you would think i would be able to sit and write it.
this is my biggest struggle with adhd, even with medication. doing things. it is easier than it was before, but i still struggle. it's executive dysfunction, i think, combined with task switching (idk if this is more of an autism thing? have both makes it extremely difficult to untangle traits) i will sit with the document open, lost in my own thoughts for ages before i can actually start. once i do i'm usually on a roll. i wrote somewhere in the area of 2k words this morning, but it was exhausting. i love writing and it frustrates me that i can't just do it.
i feel rusty, too. my writing feels creaky. i feel like i've written so much better before and i can't get up to that level again.
on friday i'll be attending a lesson on adult adhd at the recovery college. i've done group things before, i did an online thing under the nhs not long after i was diagnosed. it was helpful just to learn about adhd, fill in blanks and answer a lot of questions i had about myself. it was only a couple of years ago and i've forgotten everything we covered. i'm hoping friday will be insightful.
i think what i really need is an adhd coach. i need to learn how to make my brain work for me... but i have no idea how much that would cost. i have savings, but as someone who can't work it's difficult for me to dip into them. these things are usually eye-wateringly expensive. perhaps this is something i can ask about at the session on friday.
i'm going to see if i can squeeze out a couple hundred more words.
